Get your Santa suits ready to go out on the town!! That’s right kids, Santacon/Santarchy is coming to Norfolk!
In order to keep everyone “in the know,” Santa has listed rules and reminders below:
1. The “schedule” is open to liberal interpretation by Santa at all times. Unlike many cities, Norfolk has no pre-planned list of stops (it’s Santa + anarchy = Santarchy after all). There is no Santa in charge to call. If you can’t show up for the start, get the cell number of someone who can help you catch up later.
2. Be Jolly! Santa does not make children cry. Really – If you see kids, give them something NICE; candy, or other item similarly pleasant. Parents and Tourists are a different matter altogether — adjust based their attitude
3. Santa dresses for all occasions. It’s December. Smart Santa’s wear multiple costume layers. Dress to maximize merriment whether singing Christmas carols in the snow, or swinging from a stripper pole.
4. Santa doesn’t whine! We will be outside a lot and commuting mainly on foot. Remember Santa is always jolly.
5. Bring gifts — NAUGHTY gifts to give grown-ups; NICE stuff to give kids. Throwing coal at people is discouraged no matter who they are. YES THAT INCLUDES POLITICIANS. But giving out coal is always ok…
6. Watching Santa get drunk and obnoxious is fun. Babysitting Santa while they vomit in an alley is not.Don’t be that Santa!
7. Stay on top of your bar tabs and pay for your drinks in a timely fashion. Other Santa’s get tired of waiting on Santa’s to clear their tab before being able to move on. This entire adventure should be cash only if possible. Credit Cards only take longer. And of course TIP the bartenders generously for putting up with us; we want to be able to do this again. Bribery gets you everywhere! (Also see item #5).
8. No Santa’s left behind. Don’t go leaving one or two Santa’s in the process. Santa’s don’t like that. Pick a few people you know and keep an eye out for them when it’s time to move to the next location. If you don’t see them, speak up so everyone waits. Every Santa should have at least 2-3 other Santa’s they look out for and that look out for them. We don’t want to leave someone in the crapper and have them wandering around looking for us. Santa is safer in numbers. What one Santa couldn’t get away with without getting questioned, 50 can. Stick together Santa’s!
9. Memorize these answers to important questions that may arise:
Q. Who’s in charge?
Q. What organization are you with?
Q. What are you protesting?
A. “Crappy holiday parties” (note: We are not actually protesters!! We’d need a permit for that – and something serious to complain about…)
Q. How did you get here?
A. “A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer”
Q. Where are you going next?
A. “Only Santa knows. I’m only allowed to tell you if you wear this hat and buy me a drink.”
Any other question: “HO!” (best coupled with a slight pause and a stupid look on your face).
10. Holiday apparel is mandatory!!! Dress the hell up! A Santa hat is not enough. Get a Santa suit. Buy a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Steal a Santa suit. If you don’t have any money, be creative. If you don’t have any creativity, slap yourself three times and ask your mom to help you. You don’t have to dress as Santa proper. That’s BORING! Variations of Santa-ness are deeply appreciated, both by those we bring joy to – as well as the other Santarchists! Glue cotton balls to red long johns. Make it purple. Make it pink. Make it plaid. Past examples from here and other places: Santa Claws, Santa Garcia, Santa’s naughty little helper, misfit toy, elf, grinch, angel, Jesus, snowman, nutcracker, reindeer. Hell, other locations have even had a chicken, a panda, a bunny, and a gay french monkey, so we’re pretty flexible here. Variants of elves or reindeer or what-have-you are fine as well! Already have a Santa suit? Bring spare parts for the Santafication of strangers.
11. Please realize that this indeed is an event to have a hell of a lot of fun, and of course, with the assistance of liquor. It’s not, however, an event to get shit-faced to the point that Santa’s end up insulting, fighting, degrading, or being assholes to people that run the places that we visit – or to the regular patrons that are there. Remember, we’re LUCKY that they let THIS many jackasses into their places of business – and we’d like to keep coming back. Also, there is no “bail fund” for incarcerated Santa(s) – so you’ll be on your own with that.
12. Santa’s that drink should make sure that they are also Santa’s that can drive home, or make arrangements so that they don’t need to. This is a no-brainer, but alas, I feel it needs to be said. Santa doesn’t want any casualties. We need as many soldiers for “return tours”, so to speak. With mass transit being what it is in Hampton Roads, we suggest bringing a designated driver and of course carpooling as much as possible. The more Santas in each vehicle, the fewer individuals need to remain dry.
13. Twisting the holiday paradigm until it screams for mercy is fun! Getting arrested is not. Santa Claus is friendly, respectful, and cooperative with cops, security guards, park rangers, secret service agents, and store owners and doesn’t break any laws!!! “Disorderly Conduct” is not a city in China. Have your own special twisted fun, but DON’T SCREW IT UP FOR THE REST OF US. Our Santas do not destroy property, steal merchandise, or do harm to others. The authorities and local businesses usually take Santa’s antics in the loving holiday spirit Santa intends, so be nice to them.
SANTA DOES NOT SPEAK TO THE PRESS!
“HO-HO-HO” is good. “PUBLICITY HO” is not! We do this for the random strangers who are out and about, NOT the people sitting at home on their heinies watching television! Nobody says “WTF!?” when they see Santarchy on TV, only when they see it in real life!
Posing for pictures with bar patrons is cool, stopping for an interview is not. It keeps the mystery alive as in “Who the hell are these guys?”
(1) Don’t screw with kids.
(2) Don’t screw with cops.
(3) Don’t screw with bouncers.
(4) DON’T F**K WITH SANTA!!!
Other Santa Do’s and Don’ts
* DO address every Santa as Santa, in the first, second, and third person, singular and plural.
* DO have something ready to hand out, even if it’s just candy canes.
* DO be ready for new adventure at a moment’s notice. Santa is like a shark, and must keep moving in order to thrive.
* DO uphold the hallowed tradition of Never Washing the Suit.